The Runner's tale...

Oh Runner, running away.. from what do you run away?Doomsday you say?
or did you just have a really bad day?
As you stand looking ahead out of the doorway,
Seeing through life as you'd see a film of X-Ray...
Feel like being,a scavenger's prey...
You see paths all muddled, life in disarray...

You will find a way,someday,
So stand strong at one place- you must stay..
The future's still large, large as the skyway,
Moments worth singing to, to pop & reggae,
So come on runner, you must obey,
People can come back in line after being astray,
And no this ain't just any cliche,
You may fold hands, kneel down and pray,
Trust yourself- Everything's gonna be just OK.

Close the past, open & see what the future has to display,
There's always more light when you come out of the subway...
No matter where you stay,
From Bombay to the Viking's Norway,
Live life as if everyday's your birthday,
While the sun shines, do make hay,
Serve yourself lotsa Happiness,-In life, its on unlimited buffet...
And soon you'll turn into a happy gourmet,
You'll play your own song, like a liberated Deejay,
Just because you, dear Runner,didn't run away!

Travelling through Hell...

Confined in a coccoon, no light- its dark!
rubbing stones of flint, where is that spark?

Ohh, Fire burns, breaks off my shell,
Feels like being elevated to heaven from hell!

Green Earth, O Green Earth, Why aren't you green?
Last time you were so clean, so pristine!

I hope to wander all worlds, like a patriotic nomad...
Dulcorate the bitter water with the sweetness I add...

Every road I take, ever river I cross,
The path's my own- I'm my own boss...

Roads may end, time may forever cease...
But I'll always keep walking, that's my greatest peace...

Ossy goes to 'Heaven'!

We all know the fact that Osama Bin Laden (OBL) will no longer be taking part in any beauty pageant now. Not because he's dead, but the fact that his head having a hole in it will definately not go well with the pageant judges....

We also know the fact that OBL was one person who brainwashed his followers into believing that if they took part in the holy war and were martyred, they would be guaranteed the following upon their death:

- 1 Free Passage to Heaven, All Expenses Paid..!!
- 80,000 Servants to take care of you once you're at Heaven!
- 72 Virgins for.... (Well,definitely not for washing your clothes!)
- A Huge Palace filled with all The treasures in this world!

One would feel that the description of this place perfectly fits into one place on earth, a place whose previous inhabitant was also weird. This person had a voice which, like OBL's, was listened to by people all over the world. People 'died' to see him too.

That person was Michael Jackson, and the place- The Neverland Ranch.

But that's not why I write this piece (Obviously,since MJ died in 2009 and ain't particularly hot news now!

Now, coming back to what actually happened when OBL was shot...

Unknown to many, OBL was playing truth and dare with his wife. The empty bottle of 'Pakola' betrayed OBL and it was his turn to be either Truth'd or Dare (BTW,Pakola is a nationally branded soft drink in Pakistan.. OBL doesn't drink Pepsi or Coke.. This is his way of contributing to Pakistan's economy..apart from the usual money paid to the government for using their services)

OBL's wife : "I want you to tell me a truth... How many goats have been in your harem before?"

Since OBL wished to hide the fact that he cheated on his goats with the camels next door, and also the fact that he didn't want to explain it to his wife ("She just won't understand!"), OBL said "Gimme a Dare or I'll kill you!"

Left with no other option, Mrs. OBL dared OBL to wear the packet of bright yellow and pink Bindis on his forehead. And since no one was around at that time, he did it anyways.

And so, this is the story of how the US Army guys knew where to aim at!

So OBL was shot dead.. and no sooner he's dead, than he experiences an OOBE- An Out-of-Body-Experience!

Strangely, OBL is now high.. he's soaring well above the land.. He's watching his Camels and Goats below, feeling sad a losing them.

OBL is so high as never before..."Damn, this beats that Amsterdam Marijuana experience...Wooohooo!"..

He's high.. literally and even otherwise.

He now comes to a place in the clouds. Quite far from the ground below....

He sees what his eyes had always wanted to see.. He was at heaven, at last!...

A palace filled with lotsa servants (he counted 78,321) till he came to a courtyard filled with 70 Virgins... Apparently it seemed that even Heaven had its Tax Policies and Capital Gains taxes. "Must be due to the fact that all Accountants, Lawyers and politicians who died must've gone to hell.. Tch tch, must remember to get them onboard once I take over here..."

"Wow... Chicks, Palaces, Treasures.... woohoo, Its true- So Damn true!"

He met the caretaker at heaven and instanteously asked him for his palace keys..

The Housing Section Admin guy at Heaven gave him an exasperated look and said," Ossy, You bastard.. You trained hundreds and thousands of terrorists and told them what they were guaranteed for after dying... Thanks to you, This part of Heaven is now full! So either you take the next best best option and just FO from here before we let loose the dogs on you!"

What is the next best option?, he asks...

"Go to Hell....", and mutters incessantly about working overtime just because of OBL!

So OBL is now in Hell...

Moral of the story: If you believe in something, don't brainwash others into believing it. High chances are,that when time comes, it'll be hell for you later...

I hate Love!

I hate love, because it exists,
and there's always no Dettol to treat those cut open, slit wrists!

I hate love, coz it makes me so weak,
Look lifeless like those mimes, those who can't speak...

I hate love, coz it takes away all my sense,
The only thing I can think of, is Rajnikanth shouting "Naan-sense!"

I hate love, because I know, in it, I'll die,
choking me slowly, like a tight-wound school necktie....

 I hate love,coz of the illusion it brings,
I can't eat it, like real onion rings...

I hate love- I won't fall again, no encore;
But God just won't take it out of my life's brochure!

I hate love, coz I ain't its shepherd,
I'm like a lost sheep, lost after a severe blizzard...

Why then, do I still love?
Answers I have none, coz Love is indeed weird,
Funny at times, at times I feel it's feared,
Still burning myself- like a mouthful of clove...

Poem for the Season....

Summer's gonna start, no shade looks cool,

Tis a long way away, the season of Yule,

Wanna kick myself, Coz I feel like a mule,

When I went to swim inside the pool...

Got caught instead ,in a whirlpool,

...Thought Why Life is ever-so-cruel!

When both, my heart and mind, none could decide...none could rule;

Oh I felt like a fool- an April fool...

The Haunting...

A cool,Thursday afternoon... Returning home from a long, tiring day at work... What could go wrong?

Weekend approaches..

Plans set- catch up with friends, watch a few movies- among them!

Humming a nondescript tune,I felt something was amiss...

Skin pricked by invisible needles, the same feeling when you hear a creaky door on a nightmarish rainy night at a desolate house....

I sensed it. Like a viper springing out of the bushes, it made its eerie presence felt. But it didn't strike..

I could hear the chirp of the birds, warning me to watch my step.. They somehow, seemed to know it was following me.. "How could they tell?" I wondered...

Stalking me,it was, like a crouching tiger ready to snare its prey... waiting to take over me...

I tried to lose it, in vain... I just couldn't....

I was now cheerless, like the waning sun... The very thought of it made me unsettled... I had still so much to do, It couldn't be like this!

My head ached earlier.. but now it was as if someone was using my head as a darts board... then those darts turned into spears...

Pain, unbearable..

My mind, My heart, my legs, my eyes among others... all looked inward at me as if I betrayed them... "How could you do this to us? after we've served you all throughout "

True, they did... I didn't realize that it was me who caused this situation to unfold....

I guess, sometimes, you just have to lose some battles... because you just cannot fight phenomenon like this..

I let go... and suddenly, my throbbing veins of poisonous pain metamorphosised into a nectar-filled pathway of redemption...

I had lost against it, my world turning dark... my eyes, who were red with anger till now, said "It had to happen... let go"

Nacreous light took over... I didn't want to understand what I felt,

So beautiful, So calm! It seemed just so... right, so correct...

It finally got to me.... It didn't strike at me, but instead it seemed to put its arms around me like a long lost friend...

It took me away from this world and the reality that circled it,

Like an Out of body experience within the boundaries of the human soul,

It was 4: 30 hours post meridiem....

and I was now,
.
..
...
.....
.......
Asleep!

Baby Diaries- Volume 1

"Aaaah, So Comfy!"

Day 0:

"Here I am, lazing in this coccoon... This is heaven! I have my eyes closed, yet I see the world... "

"Is that you Angel?", said I... "I was told by the light in the heavens that I will meet you... You are Angel aren't you?"

The Angel nodded...

"You know, everytime I stretch my legs and kick them, I feel that someone's placing their ear there... I mean, Whoever it is out there, Do they like being kicked in their ears??"

"And I hear voices too... they say 'Oh, when u'll come, I'll make sure you gonna be a Doctor one day, Oh you gonna be an engineer!'... What are they?? and where am I going??"

"Sometimes, I feel that they are putting something in front of me through this wall here.. I have a feeling someone watches me sometimes... eerie I tell you... not even giving me my privacy!!!

"OK..Seems you won't answer much...,So as per the agreement, you have to save my skin everytime I fall into deep waters, provided of course, I keep a good behaviour prior to that, right?... hmmm, done!!"...

"Wait-a-minute!! Why am I being forced out now??? Heyyy!!! Heyyyy!!!! What gives??? Noooo.. Nooo.. I like it here... Ohhhhh nooooooooooo!!!!!!"

"Oh, Ouch, I'm being evicted!! Quit pushing... O gosh Am I stuck?? O push for God's sakes!!! Push!!! Push!!! Push!!!! DO SOMETHING, Coz I don't know my way back in!!!"

"Wooooooooo!!!! Geez, Why am I being stared at by these things? What's this icky red thing on me? What's this??"

And there I was, in confusion!-covered with blood and the umbilical cord still attached to me...I was crying... a lot... I didn't wanna leave that place... Yes, folks I was born! And so, probably you now know why babies cry after they're out!!

DAY 1:
"Activity?? Score 2... Active motion!

Pulse rate?? Around 100 BPM sir.. seems normal!

Reflex response ?Normal!

How's his colour??? He seems normal!!

How's his breathing??? Good sir!"

After hearing this, I fell into a verrrry deep sleep.. Gee I was tired.... I could see my angel say "whew!"

Day 2:

"Koochie Koo!!!"..'Awwww!!"...."Oh so Cute!"

These were the most often words heard as the day progressed... Well, Of course I'm cute... Babies are meant to be cute! That's their USP!

When people said, "He's just like his father/mother", I really wondered if they thought I should look like someone else... I mean, Genetically, I should have features like my mum or dad... What'd they want- me look like Elvis???

Many people came to 'see' me... as if I was some kind of an act...

My Mum was looking quite tired... Yet, she held me against her chest and lulled me to go to sleep... I DON'T WANNA SLEEP! 1st you disturb me in the cocoon where I'm nicely resting, and then evict me out.. and now you wanna make me do the same thing which I would have done back there anyways?? Hmmpff- Humans!!

But then, as she held me more in her arms, I wondered if there was anything more cozier than this.. I mean, the bed where they kept me was comfy enough, but this... Mmmmm, warm, cozy and nice...

I was breastfed today.. I mean I was fed on Day 0 too, but was too high to remember anything... Its when my Mum puts me to her chest area, and puts my mouth against a small projection coming outta it, and I have to draw something out from it... It's called Milk, and is supposed to be the most bestest food ever for me right now for sometime... at least that's what the nurse was saying... But hey, I like it!

I really wonder what my dad does in all this? I mean, my mom gave birth to me, she holds me most of the time, she feeds me... and what does he do? Just stand there and watch! No wonder God didn't give man the gift to be a mom... he'd waste it left, right and centre wondering WTF to do!!

I can't wait to be fed again!! What do I do!!! Mom... Mom... Geez she can't hear me...

"O look.. he's saying something...Goo Goo Gaa Gaa to you too, my boy... I know you wanna go from here and wanna start trekking with me ASAP... I know, I know!"

That was my Dad.. and I was so pissed off over him! Why.. coz I don't wanna trek now.. I want my Milk!!!

Geez Mom, Doesn't he get it?? O gosh... He doesn't... neither does Mum... I feel like crying... Noooo.... Waaaaahhaaa!!!

No sooner I started crying, than my Mum swung into action and started to feed me... Bless her... and now, I found out a way to call out to Mum when I need feeding-just CRY!

Quite some time later, I was so full, that I felt the need to get it out... Lazy that I was, I just let it come out... But then, the stink was un-freakin-believable! So I did what I did best- "Waaaaaah!!!"

Bless Mum... Its almost as if she had done her PhD in Baby Linguistics...


DAY 3:
The Doctor's performed some routine tests on me... This was my first exposure to an actual Test... Dad said "Son, You will be having many more such tests in life- not as easier as this.. but some where you have to take out all courage and...."

Waaaaaahhh!!!!

And I was saved! Bless you Mum!

It seems that I was ready to go home... Dad had bought his Car... Nice shiny silver car.. made me wanna pee in it, but decided against it...coz it seemed new..

And I couldn't pee out... 'coz apparently, they made me wear some sort of cotton- armored clothing which retains all fluid and semisolid elements, thereby not letting it affect the external environment.

Mum called them 'Diapers'...

Baby Diaries Volume 1- Over and Out!!!

The Flower and the Tree

Forests have always being known for being mysterious and enchanting... This story is not mysterious nor enchanting.. It is the story of a Flower and a Tree which were located in the forest. The Flower was quite unique, because ever since it blossomed on the tree, it was always there...

The Flower and the Tree were quite good friends. One day, the Flower was very angry with the Tree... The Flower felt that the Tree was praising it way too much, even to the extent of comparing the Flower with the greatest things ever created.. and despite of insisting again and again not to do it, somehow, the Tree couldn't help but say it..

The Flower was very upset indeed... It wondered whether the Tree was aware of the fact that it was doing so...

The Tree agreed...

"You are correct. I have been doing so, despite you telling me not to.

You see, when I was here alone, I never knew the beauty of life around me. I had sight, but my vision-blinded...

..And when you rose up in the spring before the Summer, my life turned around... It was as if the sunlight renewed its interest in my life...

Gradually, all things became bright and beautiful... Worst days ended as they came...

And if, in letting you know how much you mean to me, has made you upset over me, then I am really very sorry. It may have come intentionally without my awareness... It could come later unintentionally too... But I promise you that I'm trying my hardest not to do it again.

If you are angry over me, I accept to being the cause of your anger...and I will make every effort to take it away...

If you are disappointed over me, I promise, I will spare no effort in taking it away...

If you want to scream at me, I'll let you scream anything at me... but don't keep it in your heart for so long that it causes my heart to wither away...

You blossom where my heart is; my heart is my life...

Dear Flower, I know I did not listen to you, but I did no wrong... And in no way I am trying to justify myself..

Its just that, I guess, sometimes, spoken words convey a lot more than hidden tears..."

No sooner the flower began to speak, than there was a familiar music playing in the background...

It was my alarm...reality.... 4.30 am- time to wake up for work... jeez!

What did the Flower answer? I don't know.. perhaps, I'll never know...

Common "Wealth" Games!!

So the Commonwealth Games (CWG) are supposed to be held from October 3-14 , 2010 in Delhi. (I say 'supposed to' because it looks like they are still confused ;))...and the way they are being set up, it seems that the politicians have misunderstood the term "Commonwealth" with "Common Wealth"... ;)

You all know that the Commonwealth comprises of all countries who were under the British empire. The Games are held every four years in order to promote relations amongst the Commonwealth group (rather, its like each nation wanting to say 'We're one-up on you!"..."Screw you! We have better athletes!!!(evil,sinister laugh follows)!!" )

So, for the 1st time, the CWG are being held in India, and second time in Asia (after 1998, Malaysia)..So technically, The CWG committee still has raging suspicion over the capabilities of the Asian countries to conduct such events, something which India is tryoing to prove RIGHT!!!

The fall guy here is Mr. Suresh Kalmadi.. This guy should be an epitome for the word 'Incapable'!! We won the rights to host the games waaaaaaaay back in 2003 (you know, the year India lost to Australia in the World Cup.. and personally my not-so-favorite year!!)..So this guy had more than half-a-freakin-decade to set things right in Delhi... We still have't found out what this bugger has done so far except waste money... Our official expenses (so far) is 1.6 BILLION (yes, billion!) dollars... which is waaaaaaaaay more than the official budget in 2004... Of course, inflation should be taken into account, but the degree of variance is quite high!!

Everyday, I read about new developments on timesofindia.com pertaining to the games... More than the sports part, there seems to be more news on the corruption surrounding it!

Corruption:

We know India is a nation filled with corrupt babus... So keeping up with the reputation, the Indian CWG Committee have taken corruption to all new levels (actually, we have our own level of corruption in India which is unparalleled by any nation..But when it comes to Sports, its the first time we're witnessing these levels!).. Illustrated below is an example of the marvellous 'deals' done by the members of the organising commitee...

Normal Cost of a basic treadmill: INR 10000-15000 per machine

Cost of a treadmill at Harrods, London: INR 7 Lakhs per machine

Cost of LEASING (not buying!) a treadmill for the CWG: INR 9.75 Lakhs per machine!!!

This is just the tip of the Iceberg... the Comptroller and Auditor General(the guy who audits the income and expenditure of the government) will be making enquiries into the entire episode and one thing is certain- we WILL unearth something!!

I am just imagining what I can do with Rs. 9.75 Lakhs... I can list them out, but then this will get too damn long! :P

You know, its actually humorous i.e. the CWG motto this time around.."Come out & play".. I mean, its not like you go out of your house and say 'Chunnu, Munnu, Bunty, Babli,,, Come out and play!"... And play on WHAT? the stadiums are hardly ready... one bout of heavy rain and the whole infrastructure got screwed... security is still an issue.. So the question is, will they come out?

I guess the babus must've thought, our athletes play in substandard conditions anyways... So why can't the rest of the world!?

Well, 71 nations are gonna participate in this showcase event... and going by the current scenario, its hardly a showcase...

If Kalmadi is trying to incept the idea in us that the games will be a superhit, then I think he still hasn't understood the movie yet...

Well, to end on a non-cynical note, I really wish that the games are a success... I don't give a damn what happens to Kalmadi afterwards, even if he's gulity or not.. what matters is, Shera the mascot of the games, needs to roar aloud... Good things can happen... Cab drivers, bus drivers etc are getting English lessons, beggars are (hopefully) relocated to government run shelters... infrastructure is being developed, Plans are in place to provide power to Delhi throughout the games such that Delhi will have excess power till year end... So, we can just hope that human life gets better because of the games...

Seriously, at this moment, Kalmadi needs an 'All Izz well' from someone...

Let the games (hopefully) begin!

NB:

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Kalmadi

Kalmadi who?

Kal madi vaat lagne waali hai!!!

Amul

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."
- Josh Billings

The best of authors, writers and poets have written about flattery... some even extreme like comparing flattery to an evil...

I ain't gonna write about the moralities of flattery... No way José!

I wanted to write on this topic for a long time, especially since I committed to writing about this.. I started with a story, but it seemed so lame that I'm sure that someone would have shot me at point blank range at the opportunity...

After a brief block, I cogitated on this topic, and wondered, why the term "buttering up" has been used to describe flattery.. and what is more interesting to note, is that,the Indian word equivalent for 'butter' is also used to describe over-praising someone, viz. 'Maska maarna'!

Upon researching on this, I found that there is no "butter" equivalent in other languages for flattery...I could be wrong...there are millions of languages and dialects, and a
section of people may be using this word... but from what I have seen, in mainstream usage, there are hardly any languages which share this relation....

So Strange, I thought, especially since we have always used 'buttering up' and 'maska marna' in the same breath...

Let's face it, we Indians will tend to maska marao the other person to get the job done-...Be it:

- Your parents ("Mama/Papa, U the best!!... no one like u..ummm may I have money to watch the movie!")..

- Siblings (You a good sibling na... You are in fact the best bro/sis a person could ever have.. 7000 births will not be enough to find a sibling like you... So, Umm, you not gonna tell mum that I broke her best set of cups... pukka na?)

- The municipal worker who needs a dose of "arrey bhai, aap itne bade important aadmi hai municipality ke liye, aap hamara kaam nahi karoge toh kaun karega!" ..

-The Boss (Sirrrr... Omigod, You are great sir... you are God... There's no one like you sir... you are super... I worship u sirrrrr.... umm, I also wanted to ask you if there's a possibility for a raise sirrrr.. I am sure that your kind, generous heart ... golden heart... will accept my request sirrrr!!!)

Yet another point to prove why flattery is in-built in us Indians..is thus..

I'm sure many of you know what a 'chamcha' is... Yes, I know its a spoon... but think of a politician... say, Mayawati, and the people that hang on to her, over-praising her as the next big thing...(Yes, Even I feel that she's the next big thing... in terms of the size of her over-inflated ego i.e.!)

So 'chamcha', which is used to describe the flatterers, is yet an other example of how Indianised the concept of flattery is! We have the butter and also the means to apply it!!!

So, in this vein, I would like to rechristen the concept of 'BUTTERING UP' to the most famous butter brand in India..

So the next time you wanna use the term for flattering someone, say ' What re... you are Amuling too much!" :P

So I guess its true...Amul= The taste of India!

Be true to your country... Be Indian, Buy Indian and Say Indian!!