Baby Diaries- Volume 1

"Aaaah, So Comfy!"

Day 0:

"Here I am, lazing in this coccoon... This is heaven! I have my eyes closed, yet I see the world... "

"Is that you Angel?", said I... "I was told by the light in the heavens that I will meet you... You are Angel aren't you?"

The Angel nodded...

"You know, everytime I stretch my legs and kick them, I feel that someone's placing their ear there... I mean, Whoever it is out there, Do they like being kicked in their ears??"

"And I hear voices too... they say 'Oh, when u'll come, I'll make sure you gonna be a Doctor one day, Oh you gonna be an engineer!'... What are they?? and where am I going??"

"Sometimes, I feel that they are putting something in front of me through this wall here.. I have a feeling someone watches me sometimes... eerie I tell you... not even giving me my privacy!!!

"OK..Seems you won't answer much...,So as per the agreement, you have to save my skin everytime I fall into deep waters, provided of course, I keep a good behaviour prior to that, right?... hmmm, done!!"...

"Wait-a-minute!! Why am I being forced out now??? Heyyy!!! Heyyyy!!!! What gives??? Noooo.. Nooo.. I like it here... Ohhhhh nooooooooooo!!!!!!"

"Oh, Ouch, I'm being evicted!! Quit pushing... O gosh Am I stuck?? O push for God's sakes!!! Push!!! Push!!! Push!!!! DO SOMETHING, Coz I don't know my way back in!!!"

"Wooooooooo!!!! Geez, Why am I being stared at by these things? What's this icky red thing on me? What's this??"

And there I was, in confusion!-covered with blood and the umbilical cord still attached to me...I was crying... a lot... I didn't wanna leave that place... Yes, folks I was born! And so, probably you now know why babies cry after they're out!!

DAY 1:
"Activity?? Score 2... Active motion!

Pulse rate?? Around 100 BPM sir.. seems normal!

Reflex response ?Normal!

How's his colour??? He seems normal!!

How's his breathing??? Good sir!"

After hearing this, I fell into a verrrry deep sleep.. Gee I was tired.... I could see my angel say "whew!"

Day 2:

"Koochie Koo!!!"..'Awwww!!"...."Oh so Cute!"

These were the most often words heard as the day progressed... Well, Of course I'm cute... Babies are meant to be cute! That's their USP!

When people said, "He's just like his father/mother", I really wondered if they thought I should look like someone else... I mean, Genetically, I should have features like my mum or dad... What'd they want- me look like Elvis???

Many people came to 'see' me... as if I was some kind of an act...

My Mum was looking quite tired... Yet, she held me against her chest and lulled me to go to sleep... I DON'T WANNA SLEEP! 1st you disturb me in the cocoon where I'm nicely resting, and then evict me out.. and now you wanna make me do the same thing which I would have done back there anyways?? Hmmpff- Humans!!

But then, as she held me more in her arms, I wondered if there was anything more cozier than this.. I mean, the bed where they kept me was comfy enough, but this... Mmmmm, warm, cozy and nice...

I was breastfed today.. I mean I was fed on Day 0 too, but was too high to remember anything... Its when my Mum puts me to her chest area, and puts my mouth against a small projection coming outta it, and I have to draw something out from it... It's called Milk, and is supposed to be the most bestest food ever for me right now for sometime... at least that's what the nurse was saying... But hey, I like it!

I really wonder what my dad does in all this? I mean, my mom gave birth to me, she holds me most of the time, she feeds me... and what does he do? Just stand there and watch! No wonder God didn't give man the gift to be a mom... he'd waste it left, right and centre wondering WTF to do!!

I can't wait to be fed again!! What do I do!!! Mom... Mom... Geez she can't hear me...

"O look.. he's saying something...Goo Goo Gaa Gaa to you too, my boy... I know you wanna go from here and wanna start trekking with me ASAP... I know, I know!"

That was my Dad.. and I was so pissed off over him! Why.. coz I don't wanna trek now.. I want my Milk!!!

Geez Mom, Doesn't he get it?? O gosh... He doesn't... neither does Mum... I feel like crying... Noooo.... Waaaaahhaaa!!!

No sooner I started crying, than my Mum swung into action and started to feed me... Bless her... and now, I found out a way to call out to Mum when I need feeding-just CRY!

Quite some time later, I was so full, that I felt the need to get it out... Lazy that I was, I just let it come out... But then, the stink was un-freakin-believable! So I did what I did best- "Waaaaaah!!!"

Bless Mum... Its almost as if she had done her PhD in Baby Linguistics...


DAY 3:
The Doctor's performed some routine tests on me... This was my first exposure to an actual Test... Dad said "Son, You will be having many more such tests in life- not as easier as this.. but some where you have to take out all courage and...."

Waaaaaahhh!!!!

And I was saved! Bless you Mum!

It seems that I was ready to go home... Dad had bought his Car... Nice shiny silver car.. made me wanna pee in it, but decided against it...coz it seemed new..

And I couldn't pee out... 'coz apparently, they made me wear some sort of cotton- armored clothing which retains all fluid and semisolid elements, thereby not letting it affect the external environment.

Mum called them 'Diapers'...

Baby Diaries Volume 1- Over and Out!!!

The Flower and the Tree

Forests have always being known for being mysterious and enchanting... This story is not mysterious nor enchanting.. It is the story of a Flower and a Tree which were located in the forest. The Flower was quite unique, because ever since it blossomed on the tree, it was always there...

The Flower and the Tree were quite good friends. One day, the Flower was very angry with the Tree... The Flower felt that the Tree was praising it way too much, even to the extent of comparing the Flower with the greatest things ever created.. and despite of insisting again and again not to do it, somehow, the Tree couldn't help but say it..

The Flower was very upset indeed... It wondered whether the Tree was aware of the fact that it was doing so...

The Tree agreed...

"You are correct. I have been doing so, despite you telling me not to.

You see, when I was here alone, I never knew the beauty of life around me. I had sight, but my vision-blinded...

..And when you rose up in the spring before the Summer, my life turned around... It was as if the sunlight renewed its interest in my life...

Gradually, all things became bright and beautiful... Worst days ended as they came...

And if, in letting you know how much you mean to me, has made you upset over me, then I am really very sorry. It may have come intentionally without my awareness... It could come later unintentionally too... But I promise you that I'm trying my hardest not to do it again.

If you are angry over me, I accept to being the cause of your anger...and I will make every effort to take it away...

If you are disappointed over me, I promise, I will spare no effort in taking it away...

If you want to scream at me, I'll let you scream anything at me... but don't keep it in your heart for so long that it causes my heart to wither away...

You blossom where my heart is; my heart is my life...

Dear Flower, I know I did not listen to you, but I did no wrong... And in no way I am trying to justify myself..

Its just that, I guess, sometimes, spoken words convey a lot more than hidden tears..."

No sooner the flower began to speak, than there was a familiar music playing in the background...

It was my alarm...reality.... 4.30 am- time to wake up for work... jeez!

What did the Flower answer? I don't know.. perhaps, I'll never know...

Common "Wealth" Games!!

So the Commonwealth Games (CWG) are supposed to be held from October 3-14 , 2010 in Delhi. (I say 'supposed to' because it looks like they are still confused ;))...and the way they are being set up, it seems that the politicians have misunderstood the term "Commonwealth" with "Common Wealth"... ;)

You all know that the Commonwealth comprises of all countries who were under the British empire. The Games are held every four years in order to promote relations amongst the Commonwealth group (rather, its like each nation wanting to say 'We're one-up on you!"..."Screw you! We have better athletes!!!(evil,sinister laugh follows)!!" )

So, for the 1st time, the CWG are being held in India, and second time in Asia (after 1998, Malaysia)..So technically, The CWG committee still has raging suspicion over the capabilities of the Asian countries to conduct such events, something which India is tryoing to prove RIGHT!!!

The fall guy here is Mr. Suresh Kalmadi.. This guy should be an epitome for the word 'Incapable'!! We won the rights to host the games waaaaaaaay back in 2003 (you know, the year India lost to Australia in the World Cup.. and personally my not-so-favorite year!!)..So this guy had more than half-a-freakin-decade to set things right in Delhi... We still have't found out what this bugger has done so far except waste money... Our official expenses (so far) is 1.6 BILLION (yes, billion!) dollars... which is waaaaaaaaay more than the official budget in 2004... Of course, inflation should be taken into account, but the degree of variance is quite high!!

Everyday, I read about new developments on timesofindia.com pertaining to the games... More than the sports part, there seems to be more news on the corruption surrounding it!

Corruption:

We know India is a nation filled with corrupt babus... So keeping up with the reputation, the Indian CWG Committee have taken corruption to all new levels (actually, we have our own level of corruption in India which is unparalleled by any nation..But when it comes to Sports, its the first time we're witnessing these levels!).. Illustrated below is an example of the marvellous 'deals' done by the members of the organising commitee...

Normal Cost of a basic treadmill: INR 10000-15000 per machine

Cost of a treadmill at Harrods, London: INR 7 Lakhs per machine

Cost of LEASING (not buying!) a treadmill for the CWG: INR 9.75 Lakhs per machine!!!

This is just the tip of the Iceberg... the Comptroller and Auditor General(the guy who audits the income and expenditure of the government) will be making enquiries into the entire episode and one thing is certain- we WILL unearth something!!

I am just imagining what I can do with Rs. 9.75 Lakhs... I can list them out, but then this will get too damn long! :P

You know, its actually humorous i.e. the CWG motto this time around.."Come out & play".. I mean, its not like you go out of your house and say 'Chunnu, Munnu, Bunty, Babli,,, Come out and play!"... And play on WHAT? the stadiums are hardly ready... one bout of heavy rain and the whole infrastructure got screwed... security is still an issue.. So the question is, will they come out?

I guess the babus must've thought, our athletes play in substandard conditions anyways... So why can't the rest of the world!?

Well, 71 nations are gonna participate in this showcase event... and going by the current scenario, its hardly a showcase...

If Kalmadi is trying to incept the idea in us that the games will be a superhit, then I think he still hasn't understood the movie yet...

Well, to end on a non-cynical note, I really wish that the games are a success... I don't give a damn what happens to Kalmadi afterwards, even if he's gulity or not.. what matters is, Shera the mascot of the games, needs to roar aloud... Good things can happen... Cab drivers, bus drivers etc are getting English lessons, beggars are (hopefully) relocated to government run shelters... infrastructure is being developed, Plans are in place to provide power to Delhi throughout the games such that Delhi will have excess power till year end... So, we can just hope that human life gets better because of the games...

Seriously, at this moment, Kalmadi needs an 'All Izz well' from someone...

Let the games (hopefully) begin!

NB:

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Kalmadi

Kalmadi who?

Kal madi vaat lagne waali hai!!!

Amul

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."
- Josh Billings

The best of authors, writers and poets have written about flattery... some even extreme like comparing flattery to an evil...

I ain't gonna write about the moralities of flattery... No way José!

I wanted to write on this topic for a long time, especially since I committed to writing about this.. I started with a story, but it seemed so lame that I'm sure that someone would have shot me at point blank range at the opportunity...

After a brief block, I cogitated on this topic, and wondered, why the term "buttering up" has been used to describe flattery.. and what is more interesting to note, is that,the Indian word equivalent for 'butter' is also used to describe over-praising someone, viz. 'Maska maarna'!

Upon researching on this, I found that there is no "butter" equivalent in other languages for flattery...I could be wrong...there are millions of languages and dialects, and a
section of people may be using this word... but from what I have seen, in mainstream usage, there are hardly any languages which share this relation....

So Strange, I thought, especially since we have always used 'buttering up' and 'maska marna' in the same breath...

Let's face it, we Indians will tend to maska marao the other person to get the job done-...Be it:

- Your parents ("Mama/Papa, U the best!!... no one like u..ummm may I have money to watch the movie!")..

- Siblings (You a good sibling na... You are in fact the best bro/sis a person could ever have.. 7000 births will not be enough to find a sibling like you... So, Umm, you not gonna tell mum that I broke her best set of cups... pukka na?)

- The municipal worker who needs a dose of "arrey bhai, aap itne bade important aadmi hai municipality ke liye, aap hamara kaam nahi karoge toh kaun karega!" ..

-The Boss (Sirrrr... Omigod, You are great sir... you are God... There's no one like you sir... you are super... I worship u sirrrrr.... umm, I also wanted to ask you if there's a possibility for a raise sirrrr.. I am sure that your kind, generous heart ... golden heart... will accept my request sirrrr!!!)

Yet another point to prove why flattery is in-built in us Indians..is thus..

I'm sure many of you know what a 'chamcha' is... Yes, I know its a spoon... but think of a politician... say, Mayawati, and the people that hang on to her, over-praising her as the next big thing...(Yes, Even I feel that she's the next big thing... in terms of the size of her over-inflated ego i.e.!)

So 'chamcha', which is used to describe the flatterers, is yet an other example of how Indianised the concept of flattery is! We have the butter and also the means to apply it!!!

So, in this vein, I would like to rechristen the concept of 'BUTTERING UP' to the most famous butter brand in India..

So the next time you wanna use the term for flattering someone, say ' What re... you are Amuling too much!" :P

So I guess its true...Amul= The taste of India!

Be true to your country... Be Indian, Buy Indian and Say Indian!!

Life as a musical instrument...

Life is like a musical instrument, isn’t it? What notes we play determine how the composition will end; either beautifully or otherwise...

So if we play good, honest tunes, there’s no doubt that the great music conductor orchestrating from the heavens will surely show his happiness.

So what if someone says, “Oh, but I’ve got the worst musical instrument…Defective right from Day 1!”…

Well, I guess this person doesn’t know what an after-sales service is...

You see, God is a wonderful salesman… an honest one too… (well, You hardly get excellent salesmen with sincere attributes these days!)

When God gave you the musical instrument, he expected nothing in return for himself…rather, he expected in return that you play the musical instrument to its fullest potential. That was all that he wanted!

God realized, if I made everyone equal, people wouldn’t appreciate how different each of them was. So, he decided, in his grand plans, that he will create everyone differently, but will treat each one of them equally.

Now, let’s say, you got the worst musical instrument… So what’s its problem? Is it not playing well?

You should first be congratulated for understanding why your instrument is not playing well!

Ever thought of repairing it???

Ok, So now you get down to repairing it… ;) Here’s how you should ideally do it!

Step 1:

Put the instrument right before your eyes. Check it and see where it is that you can’t play it.

Step 2:

Observe that area carefully. Analyze (but don’t overanalyze!) how it should be, how it is, why it is, etc … (That’s why I said, analyze…don’t overanalyze!)

At this stage, you should probably have found out now that there is an ‘XYZ’ defect in your instrument.

Step 3:

Now that you know, solve it…Here are some handy tips to get you on the right trail.

1. If the instrument has come apart, what should you do?
a) Cry…bawl…and bicker “Why has it come apart????”
b) Wonder, “WTF do I do?” for the rest of your life.. OR
c) Take a bottle of Glue/ Fevicol and paste it back.

2. If the instrument has strings, and they’re broken, you:
a) Take the broken strings and hang yourself with them tying them around your neck
b) Wonder, “WTF do I do?” for the rest of your life.. OR
c) Go and buy new strings and put them on…

3. If the instrument has a foreign object inside it, You:
a) Allow it to dominate your instrument for the rest of its life
b) Wonder, “WTF do I do?” for the rest of your life.. OR
c) Get some tool and remove it.

Now, in all of the above questions, I believe that option (c) is the best option. It’s not like I have purposely kept the best option as (c), but then ‘c’ sounds cool… ;) :P

So, you see, no matter whatever is wrong with your instrument, there IS ALWAYS an option to repair it. And the best part is, we all have choices… The choice we make in trying to fix the instrument determines how effectively we will maintain the instrument.

So, to save us from all costs arising from after sales service (and also having the foresight in knowing that all the Customer Care Angels in heaven will be terribly tied up as the number of instruments in the world increase day by day), he devised a system where we, humans, could determine what is wrong with the instrument and fix it ourselves...

The system was initially called “Application System of neurotic strength to derive solutions using typical means without overexerting the utilization of resources”… But knowing that all aren’t God, he decided to call it “Common Sense”…

So, the next time you moan about the defective ‘maal’, thank God that he didn’t decide to junk you in the Rejected category! :P

I have used Musical instruments as a metaphor for life because everyone loves music…

Even the deaf love music. Beethoven was deaf, but didn’t he go on to become the greatest musician of all time?

A lady who was blind, deaf, unable to speak, went on to become the greatest known authors and activist… She passed her Bachelor of Arts despite living with such conditions…The lady, Helen Keller lived through it all, and didn’t let these shortcomings affect her.

So no matter what shortcomings you face, you are equal in God’s eyes, and he expects you to solve the problems yourself.

Once you commit yourself to solving the problem, God’ll make sure that he carries you through the end…

So, coming back, hope we’ve played a nice tune together.

There will be people who will play great tunes in your life. They can be anyone- Mum, dad, brother, sister, best friend, good friends, relative, anyone… So understand the music, because they are playing a part of themselves for your comfort…

Life is a musical Instrument, play it with full “Energico”! So that when you go ahead for a new Instrument, God will say “You know, you played the previous instrument so well, that I think I’m gonna give you a much better instrument this time…” And then you realize why some people have better instruments than some other.

Happy playing!